How Do You Deal With This?

[TenderHearts]

I have 2 dcg one is 6 the other is almost 5. They were here together for almost a year and the 6 year old is back for summer. Back when she was here before these 3 butt heads constantly. They both are a lot alike and both want things to go their way. The 6 year old will go out of her way and make it obvious that she's being nice to someone else instead of her knowing it's what the other wanted to do or the 5 year old will say alot you're not my friend they both will say I don't want to play with you and say I want to play with so and so which puts that child who is almost 5 in a tight spot because he loves everyone, he's my peace maker and he wants all to play together. I have a small group. So I don't really know what or how to handle the things they say to each other. I can't make them play together but I always ask them how do you think that makes so and so feel ect. Any ideas it's already started after only 3 days. I should add both of these girls are super sweet.

[BaileeB]

I have much younger kiddos right now but before when I had a 3.5yo girl and my DD4.5, they would say things like that and I would tell them not to say hurtful things or they would have to sit out in a time out. We don’t say things to intentionally hurt others feelings, especially because at 5 and 6, they know what they are saying. I would tell the girls it’s fine if you don’t want to play with the other person but we need to say it nicely. Ie, “I would like to play with this toy by myself right now please” or “I would like to take a turn playing with DCG 2.5” which usually would result in both of them playing with DCG2.5 and competing for her attention 😅😂 they both wanted to be the nice, cool big kid. But sometimes they chose to just play alone and then we had a talk with the other child who wanted to play about respecting that persons feelings and choice to play alone for a bit

[TenderHearts]

That's exactly what I do but it just seems the 6 year old will purposely say I want to play alone right now then I'll say ok that's fine but then like 20 sec later she will ask someone else to play with her and do it in a way that I think she's trying to rub it in other girls face? So what do you do then?

[Rockgirl]

That’s when I pull out a special toy that isn’t usually available, and hand it to the 5 year old. Then when the 6 year old suddenly wants to join in, I say, “No….you said you wanted to play alone.” 😆

[SandBox]

Rockgirl

You meany! 🤣🤣

[Blackcat31]

I feel for you but I have a dozen little girls under age 6.
ALL girls… so your dilemma is pretty much my day, all day every day.
I try not to get too involved and let them figure it out on their own (social skill building)
My only rules are no personal insults, no physical anything and a group cannot exclude just one other.

“You’re not my best friend!” and “You’re not coming to my birthday!” are said 100’s of times per day here

[TenderHearts]

I feel for you but I have a dozen little girls under age 6.
ALL girls… so your dilemma is pretty much my day, all day every day.
I try not to get too involved and let them figure it out on their own (social skill building)
My only rules are no personal insults, no physical anything and a group cannot exclude just one other.

“You’re not my best friend!” and “You’re not coming to my birthday!” are said 100’s of times per day here

Yes I agree those are common things kids say and I get that all the time too but this is a little more than that to me. When I feel someone is purposefully trying to be mean, exclude or favor someone else more is to me the start of bullying behavior. For instance they were playing outside and they were playing something like house so the 6 year was playing teacher which everyone agrees to and we're fine with BUT as they were playing she would purposely put the 5 yr old the one she does this too away from everyone else claiming she's going to get in line to play at water tables yet no one else was there everyone else was getting directed to play tables. I didn't say much other than make sure we are playing fair. Then she made her play at the smallest table with no one else. It's like she just being mean in a different way.

[Blackcat31]

In that situation, I would remove the "bully" and have her play either alone or with some one completely different. Then I would talk with the 5 yr old and tell them that it's not okay to be treated that way and that they can always come tell you when they feel bullied or singled out like that.
I think to an extent it's not always bad thing because I think kids need to learn to stand up for themselves and also to sometimes endure getting the short end of the stick but when it's more that just little tiffs, I would absolutely remove the root cause of it all.

[Coloradoprovider]

Children can be mean at times; normally, the adult can talk about it and remind them to be kind. When a particular child is consistently trying to be mean to a particular child, adult intervention is warranted. Bullying needs to be stopped. If I have a child who is exhibiting bullying behavior, I call it out and the consequences are unpleasant. I don't like labeling children with negative terms, but for illustration purposes, I will use the terms "bully" and "victim." For example, if the bully is excluding the victim from a group play situation, I make sure the bully finds another activity that is solitary. I am very clear that any time I see that unkind behavior, they will not be allowed to play with others for a period of time. Adults need to create a culture where mean spirited words and actions aren't tolerated.

[e.j.]

I do what you do - remind them of the Golden Rule. If that doesn't work, I speak with them individually, reminding them of my expectations about how they are to treat each other. If that doesn't work, I tell them I'm going to separate them so they can't play with each other and then I do it, if need be. If nothing has made them stop their behavior up until then, that usually does. If they continue, they may be told to sit in time out and that they can come back to play once they think they can be kinder to their friend(s). If nothing else works, I ask if I need to speak with their parents about their behavior. As a last resort, I follow through on that. I have some really good parents who I know will back me up. It rarely comes to that - what happens at EJ's usually stays at EJ's - but when it does, that tends to end the problem, at least for a while, if not permanently.