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  • Needing Advice for 20MO

    I have a 20MO boy that started when he was 7 months. He has always been kind of fiesty but lately he is just being mean to all the kids in my care. He is throwing toys, hitting, hitting with toys, pushing. Basically anything he can do to bother other people. He was trying to hit the 9MO I have one day, and had he been successful that would have been immediate termination. I talk to mom every time he has bad days, which most days are hard with him. She usually nervous laughs or just says "DCB, you have to be nice". He is the only child in his home so mom can't really do anything at home. She talks all the time about how dad got in a lot of trouble as a child and she thinks her son will be the same way. I am at a loss on what to do with him. Time away doesn't work, getting on his level and talking to him doesn't work. I thought he was bored at first but it happens even in the middle of activities. I don't want to term but when he is terrorizing the other kids majority of the days he is here and I don't feel like its fair to them to have to deal with that.

  • #2
    I'd try gating him and allowing him the ability to earn access to friends, gradually, again. If his parents declined or he did not respond well to that behavior plan, off he would go to center care. I don't play with violence.

    I am not required to give them access to other children, that is something that should be earned.

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    • #3
      I agree with CH 100% and I have it written in my discipline policy so parents are also aware

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      • #4
        Ok! What would be the best way to explain it to mom? I could start with letting her know he had a rough day again, couldn't keep his hands to himself. The behaviors seem to be unprovoked. And I am going to try and have him play by himself for a bit after a behavior to see if that will reinforce good behavior?

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        • #5
          Originally posted by mamadaycare View Post
          Ok! What would be the best way to explain it to mom? I could start with letting her know he had a rough day again, couldn't keep his hands to himself. The behaviors seem to be unprovoked. And I am going to try and have him play by himself for a bit after a behavior to see if that will reinforce good behavior?
          I would begin by using stronger, more literal language of what behaviors you are referring to, maybe by using a few two minute observation forms with photos or videos so they know what you are actually dealing with for a bit longer. Create documentation. "Not keeping his hands to himself" invokes boys poking each other to whisper jokes in each others ears or pulling friends to get their attention excitedly, annoyance, not violence. You will need to use words like struck with open/closed hand/fist, kicked, stomped, pushed to ground/against wall, clenched teeth, etc.

          After that, then let her know he will be in a separate play area when you cannot directly shadow, slowly gaining more freedom as he earns it. Explain it to work the same way she does with her kitchen cabinets at home.
          Last edited by Cat Herder; 3 weeks ago.

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          • #6
            Originally posted by mamadaycare View Post
            . I talk to mom every time he has bad days, which most days are hard with him. She usually nervous laughs or just says "DCB, you have to be nice". He is the only child in his home so mom can't really do anything at home. She talks all the time about how dad got in a lot of trouble as a child and she thinks her son will be the same way.
            She is excusing his behavior based on his fathers history (which is a poor excuse) and based on the fact that he is an only child. I had a parent like this that didn’t get the hint until I told her the next time it happened, I would have to term for violent behavior. Magically it resolved itself.

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            • #7
              Well, he started out the morning by trying to choke my 1YO DCG. I am trying to decide between giving him another chance are terminating him at pick up tonight. I have it in my contract that I don't need a reason to term but I have been talking to mom for months about his behavior so I don't think she will be surprised.

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              • Blackcat31
                Blackcat31 commented
                Editing a comment
                I would term immediately. Trying to choke another child is not normal toddler rough-ness. If you don't term him, the 1 yr old DCG's parents will more than likely pull immediately and could file a report with licensing that you failed to keep their child safe. That type of report ruins reputations and businesses. Term the rough child for the safety of all others and your own sanity. You can only do so much as a group caregiver and this has NOTHING to do with you/your abilities so stop it now before it does involve your abilities. ((hugs)) this IS a hard situation and I've been there too but you have to do what's best for you and all the other kids.

            • #8
              YIKES! That’s not normal!

              I would term immediately, I wouldn’t wait until pick up this evening. Lord only knows what would happen between now and then.

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              • #9
                Where does a 20 month old learn to choke someone??

                I would keep him separate at all times. I understand that kids go through bad behavioral phases, but if the choking happened again, he'd be gone. I would have made sure that he knew I am serious when I tell him NO.

                But, with all his other bad behaviors, I think I'd just term. I don't know about your state, but mine recently required us to have a expulsion policy. So, basically we can't term a child for behavior problems until we follow all necessary steps. Document everything, offer resources, have a meeting. Only after we've tried everything, we can term for behavior. It's ridiculous.

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                • PB&J
                  PB&J commented
                  Editing a comment
                  Are you in Indiana?

              • #10
                I termed him last night. I was sad to see him go since I had him for so long, but I didn't have much of a choice. Thank you all for your support!

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                • #11
                  Originally posted by mamadaycare View Post
                  I termed him last night. I was sad to see him go since I had him for so long, but I didn't have much of a choice. Thank you all for your support!


                  we have more than likely all been there before ourselves!
                  it’s a hard situation but you did the right thing

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                  • #12
                    So I had a little boy about 10 years ago that had just turned 3. He sounded very similar to the little boy you had. He was a kicker/hitter/pusher. He was always going after another kid for absolutely no reason. He thought it was funny more than anything. I, like you, said "well if it gets to____ he'll be out"
                    That was my mistake. I knew it would eventually get worse and another kid would get hurt. Why do we do that? IF he actually hits a kid, I'll kick him out. That poor kid that will inevitably get hurt down the road.
                    Fast forward and he tried to suffocate another child, twice. First with a blanket, second with pouring baby powder on him. We thankfully caught it before it got worse, but what if we didn't? I will never again keep a kid that has violent tendency's... it's just not fair to the other kids.
                    Oh, and after we kicked him out, mom and dad called CPS on us because we MUST have been beating him for him to act like that. Thankfully there was no case and it was completely dismissed... but I do hope they checked out mom and dad as well...

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