Difficulty Bonding

[fivestarday]

OK, part of the motivation for this topic is me wanting to know I am not alone in this mild struggle. Part of its motivation is also to confirm or deny that I am doing something reasonable.

I have a DCB2.5 who is always has a stuffed animal in his arm and a blankie in the other. Beyond this simply being gross, because neither are ever washed, these two items inhibit his involvement in daily life at my daycare. He spends much of his day sitting on the couch with his stuffed animal whining that he wants his stuffed animal that is already in his grasp. The moment he does not get his way or is required to do something like a diaper change or toy pick up, he starts whining. Sometimes this turns into an all out sob fest. Literally no one has touched his stuffed animal, but if any of the other children come within 2 feet of him, he whines that they are trying to steal his stuffed animal. This goes on all day. Anybody else have a similar kid? I feel difficulty bonding with this dcb2.5 because he whines so much for mom, cries at the drop of a hat, and rushes to sit on the couch with his stuffed animal at the slightest challenge.

The other day, I put an end to it. And I've since continued. I let him keep his stuffed animal until it inhibits his interaction or his age-appropriate play. When that happens, usually at most 40 minutes into the day, I take the stuffed animal and hide it. I give it back to him for comfort at nap time. Some context: This kid has over a year's worth of experience in daycare. He is not brand new to this set up. I don't believe in coddling children or saying "aw" when they develop behaviors that keep them from healthy and happy interaction with other kids. To me, kids are not cartoon characters who always do this or always do that. They grow and change every day. They should be challenged and learn to adapt to new things every day. I'm not an expert, but I see this behavior as a developing neuroticism. It's almost like a mini-addiction. So I guess my question is, am I terrible and mean for doing this? I'd like to add that when the stuffed animal is taken away, the child is much happier and more interactive with his peers. His face lights up.

What do you think. btw, I'm new to this site and I love it so much.

[Blackcat31]

Welcome to the board!! Glad you are finding it useful!

Personally, I do not allow kids to bring any type of stuffed animals or blankets to daycare because of the "ick" factor.
I have parents bring blankets upon enrollment but they do not go back and forth. I launder them myself.
Stuffed animals and lovies/blankets can not enter my home. Parents must remove them prior to entering the house.

If I were you, I'd go that route. If he needs a blanket or lovie for nap time, have mom bring one that can stay at daycare and that you can launder.

No lovies or blankets outside of rest time. period.

They just cause issues like the issue you are experiencing.
He will either adjust to your daily routine or he won't and you will have to decide then if it's worth continuing care.

[fivestarday]

I think this is a great set of ideas! My other kids each have one blanket they nap with, brought from home by mom, at my request. Thank goodness my other two families are such reasonable people. I am hoping very much that my new stricter Illness Exclusion Policy causes the mom of this particular boy to end his time with me at the end of this month. My new policy goes into effect March 1st. I work so hard to be interactive with my children and my dc kids. I don't want that balance upset by one boy whose parents coddle him. I plan to term the relationship come summertime, because I hope to have a similar ages across the board for more organized activities. And more age-focused supplies.

[PB&J]

We only allow “lovies” from home during nap time. If we see a fixation developing with a daycare toy, we limit accessibility to it as well. This policy was only ever an issue once, with a two year old and his blanket. We explained to mom how it inhibits his explorations and comes between him and EVERYONE else and let her know that as we wean him, he can have it when he wants…in his crib. The first day that we took it away from him at arrival (letting him place it in his crib, etc) he fussed about it. Five min later, mom comes storming back, crying and saying how cruel we were to a BABY… she grabbed all his stuff and we never saw her again. She failed to notice that he wasn’t crying at all anymore. I’m friends with the provider she went to…let’s just say there were many more issues with him over the years, and even into his school years.

[fivestarday]

Lord, help us in the future. These parents creating these issues and then hunting for someone to blame them on is a whole culture, isn't it?

[PB&J]

My kids are in their early twenties and are frustrated and frankly FLABBERGASTED at their peers. Cannot believe the things they “can’t” do or cope with, and how their parents are STILL paving the way for basic adult functions

[fivestarday]

Right?! I have a stepson who suffers undiagnosed panic attacks. His mother often rushes him to the ER for "heart pain." He has spent his entire time "at" college living at home. The majority of this time was pre-covid. If he even begins to think that someone has suggested some criticism of him, he turns into a hissing cobra or a puddle of distraught anxiety resting in bed because he is so tired.

"Flabbergasted" is the best word. Nice job on raising capable humans! Let's hope you are the majority.

[Pestle]

Right?! I have a stepson who suffers undiagnosed panic attacks. His mother often rushes him to the ER for "heart pain." He has spent his entire time "at" college living at home. The majority of this time was pre-covid. If he even begins to think that someone has suggested some criticism of him, he turns into a hissing cobra or a puddle of distraught anxiety resting in bed because he is so tired.

"Flabbergasted" is the best word. Nice job on raising capable humans! Let's hope you are the majority.

My sister-in-law kept getting rushed to the ER for "heart pain" and sent home after being told she was being hysterical. Finally, one day she told her mother "I'm about to die" and that kicked off enough curiosity to finally diagnose her with a potentially lethal blood clotting condition. She manages it with a huge amount of exercise, a huge sodium intake, and never sitting still long enough for a clot to form, i.e., no airplane flights ever again.

I mean, hysterical is definitely her brand, but being someone who frequently goes into hysterics doesn't liberate you from also being someone who is legitimately about to drop dead.

On the other hand, untreated mental health issues like anxiety are truly crippling and do create very real physical effects. Sometimes I think these behaviors happen when you have someone who comes into the world already predisposed to be high anxiety, and a parent who mirrors their kids emotions and never learns how to give the kid the tools to live with those extreme emotions. Instead, they just keep handing over toys and treats.

[PB&J]

I think that’s exactly what happened with the child from my earlier story. Instead of listening to us about how her son was either being prevented from exploring and handling his world OR showing signs of anxiety that he needed help with (what the other daycare provider tried telling her, too) she just thought of him as her sensitive baby who needed her comfort 24/7. Fixation on an item can be a big clue.

[GirlMomma]

I don’t allow bags, blankets or stuffed animals in and out of my home. Like BC, they bring a blanket or stuffed animal and it stays here. They get washed Friday’s after nap time.

I currently have DCP of an 18 month old that are driving me crazy. Since the child doesn’t wear a coat in the car seat, they’ll wrap him in a blanket. Fine, hang it up with the coats right? No. DCD will give it to him to carry around. DCK also has a pacifier and still uses a bottle. The bottle doesn’t get used at all in my home and the pacifier gets put up with the blanket as soon as DCD leaves. The kid cries for a moment, then he’s redirected and will be completely fine all day without the pacifier, blanket or bottle. I’ve tried discussing taking these items away from him with both DCP numerous times and they tell me he’s their “wittle bayyybeeee” (yes, they say this to me just like that) and they “don’t follow the parenting rule book.” They also still get up in the middle of the night to feed the child a bottle of milk. He’s 18 months old and fully capable of eating solids.

I just keep doing what I’m doing here and move on.

[Cat Herder]

I don't allow anything from home. Not even coats/jackets/gloves. I supply, store and launder everything, myself, even outdoor play clothes. They have stuffies, blankies, sheets, pillows, footed fleece PJ's and winter gear assigned to them by me (yes, they get to choose from several choices of clean, disinfected, functional items I have curated over 28 years.).

I change them back into their street clothes, do hair, trim nails, clean ears, wash faces, brush teeth, and give baths if necessary for going home. Often I wash the street clothing, too as I am a whiz with stains. I am a full-care provider, though.

**Back in the day, I have had parents bring in illegal drugs, used tampons, bedbugs, fleas, lice, etc. To he!! with that noise. I don't even have carpet anymore, just washable rugs over bleachable linoleum and hardwoods. Nothing in my playroom can't be submerged or bleached. **

[Pestle]

They also still get up in the middle of the night to feed the child a bottle of milk. He’s 18 months old . . . .

Wow. Leaning into the infancy stage sleep deprivation. They are probably the only people on the planet who think that's fun. At 38, I'm not sure I could muster up the will to live if I had to go through that stage another time.

[GirlMomma]

It was rough doing it at 28 with my DD2! These folks are older than I am. The sleep deprivation stage was one of the reasons we decided on not having any more.

This family is odd. I have another client that’s related to them, so in total I have three kids from the same family - A 4YO, 2YO and this 18 month old. Both sets of parents encourage baby talk, even though 2/4YO can speak clearly. For example, they tell the 2/4YO to call an uncle (changing the name for privacy) Uncle “Bare-wee” even though the uncles name is “Barry.” The uncle totally eats it up. It bothers me because I think they’re encouraging a speech impediment.

One of the DCD is normal and can’t stand how they act but he’s always “the bad guy” because always taking the pacifiers away from the 4YO and 2YO… YES!!! You read it right.

[flying_babyb]

No toys/ blankets/ lovies from home unless they stay at daycare. No bottles after 1 and nuks are for nap ONLY! So far its working well with most of our kids

[fivestarday]

I don't allow anything from home. Not even coats/jackets/gloves. I supply, store and launder everything, myself, even outdoor play clothes. They have stuffies, blankies, sheets, pillows, footed fleece PJ's and winter gear assigned to them by me (yes, they get to choose from several choices of clean, disinfected, functional items I have curated over 28 years.).

I change them back into their street clothes, do hair, trim nails, clean ears, wash faces, brush teeth, and give baths if necessary for going home. Often I wash the street clothing, too as I am a whiz with stains. I am a full-care provider, though.

**Back in the day, I have had parents bring in illegal drugs, used tampons, bedbugs, fleas, lice, etc. To he!! with that noise. I don't even have carpet anymore, just washable rugs over bleachable linoleum and hardwoods. Nothing in my playroom can't be submerged or bleached. **

OMGSH used tampons...whaaa why? ew. LOL... I don't have carpet either. I steam clean everything in the evening, after using the vacuum. I'm hoping to sell the couches and get vinyl soft seating.

I got tired real quick of kids showing up without what they needed for cold weather. Or in brand new tennis shoes and brand new light colored clothes. So I did two things. First, I started changing kids into different clothes to keep their outfits clean for pick-up. And second, I bought what was needed for outside time and keep it here. To me, spending the money on supplies like that makes my life so much easier. I know things are clean. I know the supplies are organized and available when needed. I don't have to send reminders to bring a hat and gloves if they are already here.

Do hair, trim nails, clean ears, wash faces, brush teeth, give baths...You take excellent care of those kids, Cat Herder! May God Bless You! I only do hair and trim nails. And of course, wash faces. Maybe I oughta start brushing teeth too.

[fivestarday]

Alwaysgreener I'm going to think about starting to brush teeth daily. I'll ask parents if they want me to. I think it would be fun to help the kids practice and get in the routine of taking care of their teeth. I know my baby loves to watch me brush mine. She thinks it is so fascinating...and funny!

[Pestle]

I instigated the "no diaper bags; no car seats" rule that most of the folks here have, the day I reached into a diaper bag and came out with a bloody tampon applicator.

[Alwaysgreener]

fivestarday Don't ask them, offer the service. Lol send home a form to opt in to the service, require them to sign giving you permission to administer toothpaste with fluoride. If they don't want the toothpaste, just do a wet brush, it is better than nothing.
I did mine after lunch before nap.

Here's the catch, each kid gets their own tube with toothpaste. Or you have to jump through hoops to not put the toothpaste from the tube directly onto the brush. You can use my glove and please do things on each finger for each child or the bottom of cup during way of the cup after each toothbrush.

[Cat Herder]

This program gives me 24 free toothbrushes/toothpaste kits and classroom materials for healthy smiles. I send home one set, keep one in their cubbies. It is a great program. https://www.colgate.com/en-us/oral-h...n/program-kits

[Blackcat31]

They said you have to be a K-1 educator in a state registered school district. Child cares don’t qualify 🙄

[Alwaysgreener]

Yeah, I didn't qualify either.

[Cat Herder]

Preschool qualifies. Scroll down to under 4, less than 25 students. We are licensed and registered in our school districts.

[flying_babyb]

As far as toothbrushing, We bought all our brushes at the local Dollar tree and each child has a space in those see through flat fish tackle boxes. Drill a few holes in the box, and toss in the dishwasher to wash and sanitize weekly (just dont forget the toothpaste in there, cause it wont survive)