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What would you do if your spouse took out over 60,000 in loans without telling you?
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Well, of course I'd be upset he didn't discuss it with me beforehand and made such a big decision without me. My husband and I share bank accounts and all things financial (I know some couples who don't and have separate bank accounts), so a decision like that would affect both of us.
Another factor that may play a part is what it was for. That may make me go a little more one way or the other. -
Really depends on what the loans are for and what our financial situation is like. If he made enough to cover the costs and it didn’t affect anything him and I had going on, I guess I wouldn’t really care. Unless it was for reasons that I really didn’t agree with.
The sneaking is a big issue too. Why did he think he needed to sneak it and what is he hiding? Other women? Gambling problem? Drugs? All of the above?Comment
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DH and I share finances - everything.
I would be pretty upset for the same reasons mentioned above: what is the reason for such a large loan, the sneaking around about it, not confiding in me beforehand etc.Comment
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Doesn’t matter what the money is for. There is a trust factor that was not considered. I would have a major problem with it. A loan like that with the current rates could put a family’s finances under water. I would immediately open a personal account and move whatever money is shared into it. That loan burden is going to fall onto you also. Protect yourself.Comment
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Thanks, everyone. I now recommend getting your spouse's credit report annually. That was the last sprig of faith and loyalty I had in this world. Not again.Comment
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OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! My DH just better NOT!!!!! He had his own checking account for all of 3 months but bounced 3 times so now ALL business matters are in my hands.....OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!🤨😖Comment
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Oh wow I'm sorry you had to go through that I have some reservations about my current BF when a large amount of money kept being deducted from my account through cash app but thank God He's only a BF because I'll drop him like a hot cakeComment
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I’m sorry. That really sucks he did that. Was this just out of the blue or have you had money sneaking issues most of the marriage? Is he being honest about what the loans were for?Comment
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I handle all the finances too, but my husband makes a lot more than me. Like a lot more. So honestly he really has freedom to take a loan out for something and it may not effect anything else. Now if we needed to move or something and now couldn’t because of his new loan, I’d be upset. I also would be upset if he hid it. There is no reason to hide anything from me. I’m really laid back and easy to talk to. So that would be all the red flags I needed and I may consider divorce for it. Talking my life personally.Comment
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I'd be hurt and angry with him but I'm not sure what I would actually do other than start with some very serious conversations about why he took the loans out and why he didn't talk to me about it first. I guess his answers would determine what my next steps would be, but it would take a lot for me to believe I could trust him again after something like that. I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope you and your husband can work things out together somehow.
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Is your DH bipolar?
We’re dealing with something similar but it’s my brother and it’s all coming to the light now. I have no idea how much is outstanding and I’m not sure he does either. he was in a manic episode and I am pretty sure his wife has some mental health issues too, so it’s all over the place:,
If my current DH took out the loan I guess it would really depend what it was for and why he hid it. The first thing I’d do is separate all my accounts from his. Then lots of therapy.
sending you hugsComment
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Sorry it took me a minute to update. I was angry. And hurt. Mostly scared, though. Thank you, guys, for your support.
It was about his kid and his own parenting fears and guilt. Mid-life stuff. It was blown up because of my own abandonment issues. The mix and timing were awful, for sure. It will be ok, though.
It did force an airing of all bills, savings, insurance, wills, retirement plans etc. It also changed the dynamic in the relationship a bit. I now see him as "human" whereas before he was something else to me, for almost 20 years. Maybe that is good, too. That must have felt like a lot of pressure. I also see that his needs have changed, and I need to pivot some retirement goals I believed we both had. Blended families are hard. I always heard marriage as hard, I guess this stuff is what they were talking about.
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I admire you for looking at the bigger picture and finding a solution with your spouse. I used live by the “fight or flight” response until a close family friend said this to me the day I married my DH:
“From here on out, it’s you and your husband against the world, never each other.”
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I understand what you mean by not seeing him as a human. Putting him on a pedestal. For me, I learned early on not to do that. First few years of my marriage were awful. I can’t put too much trust in him. It can make it seem like I am a bit of a pessimist, but I feel I’m more of a realist. And it’s probably to protect myself too. Because it does hurt when you’re let down and I’ve been very burned before and it was too much pain. So it’s easier to make myself hard to be let down. So little shocks me. Sometimes it makes me feel numb and I’m not normal. Lol. Because I see people get upset over certain things and I just can’t. But then I really like it too. I like knowing I can walk away and not feeling my heart was ripped out. Because it already was ripped out. So I got it out the way. Lol. I know I’m so morbid. Wednesday Adams here.
Anyway, glad you’re able to look at it with a different set of eyes. And learn something from it. I hope the best for y’all.Comment
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